but is it harder to leave someone behind, or be left behind?
because it’s hard to take that leap. could you do it? when not really anything is wrong, or there’s anything bad, except for some small voice inside of you saying that “this isn’t going to work”? if you could, would you? when you know that some differences are too great to be set aside or reconciled, some thoughts so ingrained that you won’t turn them over to see if the grass is greener on the other side? and because maybe it is easier to be left behind. maybe you don’t have to wonder always if you made the right choice. someone else will make that choice for you, and really you don’t have to do much of anything except mourn.
if you did do it, would you at least have had your honor? would you at least have had something to stand by with grace, with dignity, would you have respected yourself for listening to some voice inside you that for all you knew could have been wrong? would you be more comfortable knowing that you ran away before letting it run its course, before something terrible happened, before you ended up hating each other?
you can never know the odds. if you don’t play, you never win.
what I know now is that if you don’t do it, and you know that it’s probably going to end, and then it does end and you’re the one left behind, and you’re sobbing and shaking and food doesn’t taste as good and then you get over that and yeah it’s okay but there’s a hollowness to your heart and you feel a little emptier, because you are a little emptier, a little less full of love, a little less rich in company, a little more bitter, and even after that, when you can look back and smile and think fondly of the memories and the bad times seem to melt away, even after all of that, after the end, what I know is that your heart beats a little quicker when you wonder why you didn’t trust that tiny voice inside of you, what was it that made you stay, why couldn’t you own up to the truth of the matter? and did the good times outweigh the bad? and did you gain more than you sacrificed? and did you learn more than you knew before? was it really worth it? when you are hollow, you will think that it was not worth it.
all we do in this life is the edge of a moment. you can look back and you can look forward and you can look at the moment right now, but it doesn’t matter. none of that matters. I can’t say what does matter, I think it’s different for everyone. I can’t say if anything is worth it.
for me, love matters. love is worth it. and even if we never speak again, love happened there, and we were happy.